Leadership Lessons

As I have navigated through my journey, I have had the blessing of having wonderful leaders and role models.  I have also had the opportunity to have the kuleana to be a leader (professionally and in my personal life). 

Along the way I have made my share of mistakes, learned some hard lessons and have also had examples of not-so-great leadership.  Acknowledging the lessons I learned I hope it helps those stepping into leadership roles and honoring the role my leaders have played in my journey.

Lesson #1 – You don’t need to have a title to be seen as a leader

Many think that when we obtain the title, that is when we become a leader.  I have learned that this is not the case.  People may look up to you, come to you for guidance or even watch you from afar to learn with or without the title. 

Because of this, we always must bring the best version of ourselves to the table.  We all have a bad day, but how we handle it is what makes us a leader. 

Lesson #2 – Respect

I have learned a few things about respect.  As a leader, respect isn’t given; it is earned.  Just because you have been given a title, does not automatically make people give you respect. (There is a difference in respecting a position/title and respecting the person in that position/with that title).  I have also learned that you can lose someone’s respect easier than gaining it.  If you are in a leadership role, your actions are more impactful on someone; therefore, you must address individuals with respect and compassion.

I have learned that the best way to give respect is to give everyone (and I mean everyone) a base level of respect given:

1)    We are human beings – at the base level we are all human beings navigating this human experience.

2)    We are sharing time and space – while navigating this experience we share time and space because our paths have crossed.

These two bases will ensure that you are giving respect, even to people you may not like, even to people who may not be giving you respect.

Finally, I have learned that by earning respect, you can have awkward or difficult conversations; you build a space of trust, and you are able to navigate various situations.

Lesson #3 – Listening is a thing

When we become leaders, it is easy to believe that we are leaders because we know; or that our value as leaders is based on what we know.  In fact, if you go to a job interview, the process validates this thought.  We are selected because of our knowledge and experience.  One or more of the interview questions may ask you about your knowledge or expertise in a certain area. 

Granted we do rise in the ranks (whether at work, organization or in pursuing a hobby) because we have a certain level of knowledge and skill. 

Experience and expertise aside, I have learned that the most important skill is to listen to those you are entrusted to lead.  Remembering that you have a direct impact on someone – their journey, their day, their growth, their success. 

You might listen to the question (or part of it) so that you can respond; you might listen to respond rather than understand what the other person is looking for.  I have been caught in situations where the person only listened to a portion of what I was saying so their response didn’t quite answer my question or concern. 

I have learned that listening to someone you are leading is powerful.  Often times there is more behind what someone is saying and if you are not present and listening, you might miss it.   You can practice all the active listening tactics like repeating back what you have heard but creating a space where you can ask important questions is by far one of the important things I do.   I cannot tell you how many times one of the most important questions I have asked included:

1)    What do you mean by that?

2)    Can you tell me more?

3)    What can I do to support you right now?

And sitting back and just listening.

I have seen so many images that say – be the leader you wanted.  But everyone and every situation is different.  By listening, I can actually be the leader they need.

Lesson #4 – You aren’t going to see eye to eye with everyone, and you don’t have to

Things are easy when everyone is getting along, things are working and the team accomplishments can be celebrated.  We can all have fun; we can all enjoy ourselves and we can all enjoy the fruits of our labor.  The true test of leadership comes when you have to bring people together who don’t get along or have to bring the team together to overcome obstacles or to meet a deadline or if there is a need for a tough conversation because things didn’t go so well.  Now, there are many training courses that will guide you through how to have conversations, tactics to bring people together and how to brainstorm how to solve an issue.

What they don’t train you to do is understand that you (and your team) aren’t always going to see eye-to-eye; and that’s ok.  You don’t always have to agree to be a successful team.  When you have an obstacle, you are trying to overcome, a dynamic team with varied perspectives (which usually means not seeing eye-to-eye) is an asset.

I have the belief and the conversation that we (as a team) are not always going to see eye-to-eye or agree.  In fact, I might say things you don’t like or want to hear and vice versa; but what I hope we can do is have a space where we can talk from a place of honesty and share and respect our perspectives and thoughts. 

Sometimes the most leadership thing you can do is create a safe space for conversation and understanding where everyone is seen and heard.

Lesson #5 – When to step in front and when to step back

PC: From LinkedIn

There are a lot of posts on LinkedIn about leadership – styles, how to lead (like the one above).  Some leaders use the following tactics:

1)    Lead from the front as an example

2)    Get in there and roll your sleeves up to do the work

3)    Let people do the work and lead from behind

I say you incorporate all of these, but the key is to know what situations prompt what action.  I believe wholeheartedly in being willing to step in to help when it is needed.  No leader should be above doing anything.  I have learned that you need to be aware of the support your team/group needs (not what YOU think they need) so that you can step in when needed and provide that support.  It doesn’t always mean stepping in to do the work.

As a leader, you must recognize that if you step in too often, it can be perceived that you don’t trust your team or that you are a micromanager.  I have always said that my job as a leader is to sing the team’s praises and step back when things are going well to allow them to shine; but to take one for the team when things aren’t going so well.

Lesson #6 – Everyone will need something different from you

As a leader I learned very early on that each member of the group you are leading will need something different from you; not because their work may be different, but because they are individuals.  There is no one size that fits all in leadership. There will be individuals who seek and appreciate feedback, while others need autonomy and little guidance.  The key really is to get to know the individuals you are leading.  What do they bring to the table? What are their goals?  What are their strengths?  What are their opportunities for growth?

Back to Lesson #3 – this allows you to be the leader THEY need.

Lesson #7 – Meet them where they are at

I have high expectations; for myself and those around me.  Do I always meet my high expectations? No.  Do others immediately meet my high expectations?  No.

The value in having high expectations is you can then ascertain where someone is (including yourself) in meeting them.  Some may be closer than others.  Some may need more tools than others.  If you see everyone as individuals with individual needs, you can meet them where they are so you can help them meet your expectations.  I fervently believe that it is human nature to want to meet the expectations of someone of authority (a boss, a leader etc.); by recognizing where they are at you can work with them so that they can work towards meeting your expectations.  This may be a slow process, it may be a difficult one, but at the end of the day as long as they are moving forward, most likely they will get there.

Lesson #8 – In general, everything is fixable; except one thing

When something goes wrong, I get it we panic, we react, we immediately start running around like chickens with our heads cut off.  I feel like this approach doesn’t allow us to put our best foot forward and actually work towards a solution.  In fact, sometimes this approach creates opportunities for more errors.

I like to remind myself that everything is fixable – it may take time, it might not be easy, and it might not be ideal – but it’s fixable.  We just have to be able to step back so that we can come up with solutions and methods to fix whatever needs fixing.

The only thing that is not fixable, unfortunately is death.  So, if you think of it in that context, when something goes wrong, remember it can be fixed and start working on the solution. In my experience if you don’t let panic set in, you’ll find one.  (and by the way Lesson #4 will come in handy in coming up with solutions).

Lesson #9 – I don’t know is okay

As leaders, we think it is a faux pas to say we don’t know something. As noted in Lesson #3 – we don’t have to know everything.  Some leaders in their first few months focus on learning everything and needing to know everything. 

I have learned that saying “I don’t know, but let’s figure this out” is a powerful thing for leaders to say.  We as leaders can’t know everything.  If we did, we wouldn’t need a team behind us.  Saying I don’t know allows your team to grow and gain expertise.

Allowing yourself to say, “I don’t know” creates a safe space for those you lead to say “I don’t know” and the confidence if we don’t know we will figure it out together.

Lesson #10 – Be you

We have role models and we can read all the leadership books out there.  I have been guilty of trying to be like someone who was vastly different than me.  This is all great, but in this process, don’t lose who you are or what works for you.  I have accepted that while I can admire a particular leader, I may not be able to be exactly like them.  I like to learn from all different types of leaders and understand what works for me.

Trust me, when you are in a difficult situation, it isn’t going to work unless you are you.  Trying to say words that someone else might say or handle the situation exactly the same way someone else would doesn’t allow you to figure out what works for you. 

My leadership style may work for some, and it may not work for others.  However, I can’t be someone I am not.  This is how we create our own style, how we become comfortable with leadership.  Not to mention, many people can see right through someone who is not being authentic.  Being authentic gives permission to those you lead to be their authentic selves as well.