Let’s talk about difficult conversations/situations. These are part of the stories of our growth, experiences, learning and development. I recently took a LinkedIn Learning course on this matter and wanted to share my own thoughts.
We have so many interactions with a plethora of people that it is an inevitable part of our story that we encounter difficult situations. For example, someone says something or does something that we do not like; someone is difficult to work with. We then must decide how to handle that situation – do we try to approach the person and talk it out or do we act as though nothing has happened and continue on? (cue the awkward small talk and pleasantries)
We don’t like difficult situations or conversations; and our human instinct is to avoid them at all costs. Quite frankly this fast-paced technological time we live in enables us to do so or at least make us feel like we’ve addressed the situation - we text things like – “we all good?”. But the reality is that typically we don’t even touch the surface of what might be going on.
We are all human – we make mistakes, we may unintentionally behave in a way that may hurt/disappoint/negatively impact someone else. We all have bad days, we all have things we wish we had said better.
Welcome to the difficult conversation. I don’t like to say conflict, because the word conflict comes with many negative connotations – the two individuals don’t like each other for example. And that simply isn’t true. In any relationship – work, personal, spouse/partner – there are going to be times where we might have to have a difficult conversation; or someone has to have a difficult conversation with us (gasp).
Why have these difficult conversations?
In my life I have encountered difficult conversations/situations with people whom I’ve considered friends, with people who I didn’t get along with and with people who I work with. No matter what the relationship, these conversations are never easy, and our first reaction may be to avoid it and act like everything is “normal”. However, the consequence of doing so is long-term.
If you avoid the first difficult conversation and things continue, more awkward conversations will need to be had and by the time you really need to have them (think about addressing performance at work), all it becomes is a SUPER awkward conversation. I liken it to a pink elephant with polka dots in the room. Everyone sees it, everyone knows it’s there and no one wants to talk about it and even act as though it’s not there.
If you don’t have the conversation, whether we like to admit it or not, our feelings and emotions become involved. This doesn’t help us have an effective conversation or even come to an understanding. It also makes the conversation more difficult because we make emotional statements that prompt defensive responses.
So what do you do?
I understand that no one likes or wants to have difficult conversations. Let’s face it, we would rather have a conversation about something else. But having these conversations are necessary and a valuable form of communication.
A mentor once told me that you teach people how to treat you; and I concur. Sure life is easy when everyone gets along, and everything is good. How we address the uncomfortable feelings are just as important as how we address the good. If someone did something that rubbed you the wrong way, allowing yourself to let them know why, will help them (hopefully) avoid similar situations.
I have three goals when I need to have a difficult conversation in any aspect of my life:
1) Preserve communication – I am of the philosophy that we don’t have to agree nor do we have to like one another; however I want to ensure that there will be effective communication. I never want anyone to feel that they cannot contact me or ask me a question simply because of the conversation. As long as we can communicate, we can move forward; hopefully from an honest and understanding place.
2) Agreements – I like to walk away from a difficult conversation with a few agreements. Typically, I have three agreements with which I start with “can we agree that….’ In one conversation (which I knew the relationship had no hope of preserving) I said – “can we both agree that we take our jobs seriously? And can we both agree that anything that we do is due to the commitment we have to our job/responsibility? And finally, can we agree that by communicating information to one another we enable each other to fulfill our job/responsibility? I end these questions by saying that I hope that with these agreements we can move past this conversation.
3) Move beyond the conversation – My final goal by having the difficult conversation is to move past the situation/issue. My hope is that by fulfilling the first two goals, we are able to move beyond the existing conversation and build a relationship moving forward. This relationship doesn’t have to be friends and could just be a baseline of human respect. When we avoid the conversation, we run the risk of disrespectful communication and behavior.
The challenge
I am a very transparent person and do not like drama. If something happens, instead of avoiding the issue, my nature is to get everything out on the table. I have learned that not everyone is like that. I have learned hard lessons about having difficult conversations with people who avoid them.
First, it is not easy to have the conversation in the first place. I have been in situations where I have tried to have the conversation multiple times to no avail. The result is continued awkward behavior and interactions; and people pick up on this. In my opinion, there is no fake it until you make it. Think about it, you have seen people that fake being nice to each other, but you can feel and know that there is tension.
Second challenge, is keeping yourself accountable to moving forward. We are human and get our feelings hurt. If we fulfill the third goal (above) then we have to commit that we ourselves will move past it and not hold a grudge. This can be hard especially if you do not receive the reaction or information you are seeking.
The final challenge that I have had to work on is to accept things and let go. In my experience there are more people who avoid conflict than who are willing to have the meaningful conversation. I have had to accept situations for what they are and move forward without having the difficult conversation. There are a few unhad difficult conversations that I have had to accept that I will not have that opportunity and be ok with that. This has been the hardest lesson, because my nature is to put everything out on the table, and this is seemingly the antithesis of that. But the ancient practice of ho’oponopono has taught me that both individuals/parties have to come to the table willing to have the conversation. Without this, I have learned that there will be no effective result.
Ok then what?
If you have noticed, I have not mentioned preserving the relationship as my goal, outcome or challenge to this difficult conversation. The hope would be that by having these conversations, your relationship is not just preserved but strengthened. You will better understand them; and you have communicated so they will better understand you. If not, the hope is that there is at the very minimum a mutual respect for one another. Let’s face it, not everyone is going to like us, and we aren’t going to like everyone either. But we will have to work with individuals that we like and don’t like. Hopefully by having difficult conversations early you can have a mutual respect for one another regardless of your feelings.
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